Depression and Its Impact on Fitness Goals
Depression is a strange phenomenon. Of that, there is no doubt. Anyone who has experienced it for real knows just how strange it is. It is not necessarily a sad experience when you’re in it. It is a state of retreat and fear. A fog that does not lift. A clouding of judgment, a veil on the mind. Every day seems like an endless loop of inaction, apathy, and sedation.
Though we have made leaps and bounds in recognizing the signs of depression, how to handle it effectively, is still a tricky topic, and one that I am not qualified to advise on. I can, however, describe my experience, its impact on my health and fitness goals, and what I am doing to tackle it head-on.
My Experience
I have suffered bouts of depression for most of my young adult life. Most of which is categorized by falling into deep states of apathy and inaction, prompted by self-hatred, which perpetuates further self-hatred. In the Spring of 2020, I thought that I had conquered depression for good. I had reached an all-time high in fitness and personal goals, yet when I changed my environment by moving to a foreign country, where all my support systems were back home, I fell back into that familiar hole.
It was as if all my self-esteem just vanished within the space of a month or so, as I became more and more withdrawn from people and hyper-aware of every stranger’s glance. Working from home, the level of procrastination I faced on a daily basis, was frankly worrying. There were times I feared for my income and thought I’d be heading home, sick, broke, and defeated.
In part, my depression is actually the result of some physical symptoms I feel on a daily basis. Chronic pain, caused by peripheral nerve damage, that is as of yet, unexplained. The only thing I know for certain is that the damage is there, and with depressing physical symptoms, depression typically follows.
You’re life isn’t shit because you’re depressed. You’re depressed becaus your life is shit. You’ve got it the wrong way around.
The negative thinking that results, puts up these huge, all most impossible barriers in my mind, standing between me and what I can do to improve my circumstances. If you’re reading this article, I am sure you can relate.
As a young child, depression used to lead to binge-eating disorder and weight gain. As an adult, it seems to lead to undereating, and over caffeinating. From what I can gather a fight or flight response, where I default to certain destructive behavioral patterns which soothe an instant need. If one thing is for certain with depression, instant gratification is paramount. Healthy behaviors take the furthest seat at the back of the bus.
This year, in particular, I lost a lot of strength and size that took me so much time and effort to gain in the first place. Though, through the wonders of muscle memory, I am hopeful that the road back will be much shorter than the first time around.
What I’m Learning
Every time I experience a relapse in the nervous system illness, and the resultant depression, my setbacks seem to be shorter in both duration and intensity. I take this as a huge positive. Even if the progress is not linear, and mirrors what you might see in the stock market, at least I am growing in experience and the ability to cope with my set of circumstances. This for me is huge. So what lessons have I learned, and what actions can I take to prevent future relapses?
Financial Stability
A big lesson for me has been the role that financial stability plays in depression. There is an interesting phenomenon where both the top 1% and bottom 1% of worldwide earners experience high levels of stress. Somewhere in the middle, is the least stressful. Whilst I have been earning a good salary for years now, I had also invested most of my disposable income into a business that was crushed by the pandemic, after years of investment. Faced with the prospect of recovering from this in Ireland, with high tax rates (for very little return) and a high cost of living, I decided to make a big change.
Moving to Bulgaria was really tough in the beginning, but I am very grateful for the decision, having been able to triple the amount of money I can save and invest, after taxes. I don’t really need a lot of material possessions or money to make me happy, all I need is enough that I am secure so that I can move through life taking calculated risks. Operating from a creative, abundant place, rather than one of scarcity.
Over the past six months, I have been able to put away an emergency fund, where if I lost my job in the morning, I could cover the cost of my existence for 6-9 months. This has been huge in helping me to climb out of depression.
Another key role financial stability plays is that it puts you in the drivers’ seat of your circumstances. If you are faced with a depressing environment, a depressive outlook is a likely outcome. In relocating, I made many mistakes related to my living situation. Thankfully I was able to rectify those mistakes, thanks to the savings I had to hand. I now live right in the middle Sofia City Centre in a perfect little bachelor pad, that I rent for 10% of my net income, conveniently located to supermarkets, the metro, and most importantly, the gym. But I had the time and space to find that place, thanks to my financial position.
Self Acceptance
Before I hit this most recent slump, I had been consistently weightlifting for approximately two and a half years, with little to no breaks. It was so strange how something that was as regular as brushing my teeth became this almost impossible task, where I feared going to the gym. I had this inexplicable feeling that I wasn’t big enough, strong enough, etc, and that I might as well just resign myself to a more comfortable, yet depressing existence. Week after week, I tried to regain my regular routine, only to fall flat on my face, for months straight.
Then I took a step back and focused on other priorities. The financial goals listed above were high on the list, as well as socializing more. Funnily enough, I found that I had developed a lot of ego throughout my fitness journey, which I had to break down. What I mean by this is that a lot of my identity as a person, my self-worth, and my confidence were all tied to my progress in the gym. As positive a thing as lifting weights is, our modern technology has played a cruel trick on us where Instagram models make the reality of 1% of people appear as what is expected.
What I had to do for a period of time, was drastically reduce the focus I put on nutrition and training, to get my head together. I purposefully put myself in as many social situations as possible, all the while watching my physique degrade. The funny thing I noticed is how little people give a fuck what you look like, so long as you bring good, genuine energy to the interaction.
It might sound strange to some, but I can’t tell you how much of my worth to other people was wrapped up in how in shape I was. And it was quite sad really, as I would describe myself as an extrovert, who forced himself into introversion for most of his early life, due to not feeling good enough.
By accepting myself as being good enough, just the way I am, I am able to now view health and fitness as a positive action, that will lead to positive results, rather than something I have to do.
Adopting New Habits
Outside of getting back to training and nutrition, I have now adopted new habits which I hope will help curb the re-emergence of depression. Every morning, four reminders are set to go off at 8 am to remind me to do the following:
Wim Hof Breathwork - If you don’t know who Wim Hof is, look him up. This free 10-minute breathwork exercise helps ground me every day, where I think that little bit clearer, and start coming into awareness, rather than worrying, overthinking, and ruminating. I am hopeful that with enough repetition, this becomes an autopilot response during stressful periods in my life.
Skincare - Look good on the outside, feel good on the inside. Besides, I have abused my skin for years through excessive coffee, smoking, and sun exposure. Problem avoidance is like a loan with high interest, with depression being the big ugly debt collector.
Calorie Tracking - OK, so maybe this one is to do with the gym. I’ve realized that for me to be creative, inspired, and spontaneous; certain bases need to be covered. Some would call that grounding. Hate it or love it, calorie tracking is one of them. Consistent, rough estimates will do just fine though. Consistency trumps perfection every time.
Initiate at least one new social interaction - We are social creatures, yet the pandemic has made us more withdrawn and glued to technology than ever before. Meeting new people is something that I love to do on a consistent basis, and it has also resulted in me getting new clients for my personal training services. Meeting new people always lifts my mood, and reminds me of how interesting the world can be, beyond the confines of my own head.
Hope it helps. I wrote this more so for myself than anyone else, and as mentioned, I’m not an expert. I’m just a randomer on the internet.